It’s time for another installment of – If I Were Queen of Chagrin.
Let’s begin with the annual summertime concerts in Chagrin Falls. With one sweep of my scepter we would change the current name “Simple Summer Nights Concert,” which we deem too precious, too pretentious and too long to say. Are we agreed the long-winded name will never trip off the tongue gracefully?
And, really now, when was the last time you heard someone say, “Hey, gang, let’s go down to the Simple Summer Nights Concert.”
If you have ever tried to find a place to park on concert night, you know it is not that “simple.”
Speaking of ill-advised names of things, what hasn’t been said about the new Cleveland Guardians (the team formerly known as the Cleveland Indians) that has not been said.
The team owner, in explaining the convoluted meaning of the new moniker, inadvertently tripped over what the team should have been named when he said the Lorain-Carnegie Bridge guardian statues were a tribute to the region’s blue collar roots.
So why not the Cleveland Blue Collars? The league already has the Red Socks and the White Socks. The Rockers would have been good, too, given the city’s heritage as the place where rock ‘n roll was born.
Guardians? While we know the history behind the name, most everyone else will hear it and think adult underwear.
Trouble in River City, folks. It is not a new pool table installed in our town but the modern version of that horrid asphalt siding door-to-door flim flam salesmen sold to innocent homeowners back in the first half of the 20th Century.
Today black tinted windows are being installed in houses and at an alarming rate.
Black window glass pitchmen claim smoky colored windows are energy efficient and stop the sun from fading carpets, drapes and upholstery.
It is a bogus selling point since carpets, drapes and upholstery are made of modern fibers and fabrics that are fade-proof.
If this black glass fad continues much longer, what will happen to the kingdom’s window shade and shutter salespeople?
If I were queen, we would decree black windows an afront worthy of dungeon time.
Why? Because they make the kingdom look unfriendly, the houses as off putting and as off-kilter as Jack-o-Lanterns rolling down Grove Hill on July 4.
Besides, blackened windows hint that something shady is going on behind them. If we were queen we would call on the castle sorcerer to cast a spell upon this faddish fetish with the magic words that will banish them from the kingdom. “Begone ugly black windows. Be gone.”
If we were queen we would decree that all seasons of the year and holidays invented by card, candy and flower companies be given their unique time in the spotlight.
Overlapping holidays is confusing so I rule that there shall be no talk of back-to-school until mid-August. Halloween gets all of October.
Christmas and the winter holidays shall not begin until Thanksgiving is over. This is calculated as the last 10 days of November or the last bit of turkey has left the fridge, whichever comes first.
All patriotic holidays and days commemorating the good works of individual patriots and presidents get one full week. Ditto for Valentine’s Day.
Finally, we will ask the flower sellers, card designers and candy makers to donate a portion of their profits from the commercialization of these commemorations.