I’ve been thinking about changing careers and since people laugh at me, I figure I might make a pretty decent stand-up comic and have been working on some jokes for my future routine and here’s what I have come up with so far.
There is a very distinguished private school near where I live and it is known for turning out responsible, loyal and considerate graduates.
In fact, that’s its motto – “Responsible, Loyal, Considerate.” The words are actually carved into stone right at the entrance to the campus.
Really, really good words. Who wouldn’t want to hire a person with those qualities? Except maybe the Republicans when they decided Donald Trump would make a good president.
(Wait for wild audience laughter and/or hecklers.)
The high school I went to was pretty rough and in a not-so-hot neighborhood. Long story short, we couldn’t afford fancy stone entrance or a motto to carve on it.
But we did have spray paint so the walls were decorated with mottos that changed every couple of days. OK, so they weren’t lofty but they were ours and when you think about it, for us, they were good watchwords.
I mean they were really, really goodwatchwords like, “Beware. Get Out.” (Wait for audience guffaw.) “Tried. Guilty. Convicted.” (Wait for guff.) “Miserable. Corrupt. Offensive.” (Another guff.) And my personal favorite, “Crude. Rude. Screwed.” (Long, wild guffawing and applause, wait for the love to subside and continue.)
So, why am I thinking about a career change? I like what I do at the Times, but some folks I come across can make the job frustrating. Here’s what I mean..
Got an email from an outfit in California. I should have known it was going to be a problem because it was signed “Krysten.”
She included a news release about a Chagrin Falls “content creator” who had won the honor of being a presenter at a content creator convention in Carlsbad.
(Imitate David Letterman and raise a hand.) Hand to God, true story.
First off, “Krysten” is one of those new names corrupted from the more classical Kristin or Christine so I figure “Krysten” is 14 years old - 16 tops - or this was her first job and didn’t understand there are seven billion people on the planet, 6.99 billion do not know what a content creator does for a living.
(Wait for audience applause to taper off.)
I’m curious, right? So I Google it. (Pull paper from pocket and read.)
“A content creator is someone who creates entertaining or educational material to be expressed through any medium or channel. Content creation especially pertains to digital content, since that’s where the majority of content is consumed and where the money is, if you’re looking to earn revenue through your efforts.” (Wait for audience applause and general murmuring of appreciation for Google.)
So, I email Krysten. (pause here, roll eyes.) “Dear Krysten – Love your name. Your mom must have been a content creator, right? LOL. I have a question. Your press release uses the term “content creator,” but I have no idea what that means. Please explain.”
Next day I get her reply. “Dear Barb. A content creator is someone who creates entertaining or educational material to be expressed through any medium or channel. Content creation especially pertains to digital content, since that’s where the majority of content is consumed and where the money is, if you’re looking to earn revenue through your efforts.” (Audience roars in recognition of the Google definition. Vigorous applause follows. Bow.)
So, that’s my stand-up act so far. I’m pretty confident it can be successful and one day I will have my own HBO comedy special.
Like I said, people laugh at me all the time even though some folks have advised I may have misread public reaction to my style of humor.
So, now I’ve got to Google whether jeering and fist shaking are the same as laughing and applauding.