This quarantine has its perks for homebodies, anti-social people, those hiding from the authorities or cannot abide by wearing a mask no matter how fashionable or lifesaving.
If you are one of the above, there is really no reason to get up, get dressed and go anyplace where you could get in the line of fire for someone else’s droplets.
There is no need to become human sacrifices to the devil COVID-19 when we can do everything at home including home delivery of our favorite cocktails?
And through the miracle of Zoom, we can catch up with friends and family, conduct business and listen in on meetings.
Last week, my erstwhile tormenter Ms. Demeanor zoomed into my life on an electronic jet stream of invectives.
Here is how it went:
“%^#@!*&%. I am wearing a mask to protect you from being a statistic of this pandemic, so what about that do you not understand,” she shouted at me through the laptop screen.
“Wearing a mask is an act of human kindness and not wearing one is like saying, ‘I don’t care if you get sick and die.’ Ha! So much for how we’re all in this together.”
Whoa! I reminded my erstwhile tormentor I did not have a mask on because I was at home and home is where you hang your hat and your mask.
Ms. Demeanor said something about me being a virtual jackass so it gave me delight to point out she was not wearing one either because she was home, too.
Her hands immediately snatched at her face in search of her mask.
“Stop touching your face!” I told her gleefully. “It’s a rule, it may be against the law.” I wouldn’t have said any of the above had she not been Ms. Demeanor, the Zoom edition. The real one is far scarier.
She continued unmasked and undaunted.
“Did you know that in this little village of ours, mask-less shoppers are getting in the face of shopkeepers literally, yelling at them and being snotty for requiring they be masked? I saw it with my own two eyes.”
When she finally stopped yelling, I suggested she start thinking about promoting masks as the morally right thing to do.
“For once you have come up with a good idea,” Ms. Demeanor enthused. “Keto, Schmeto why not say something about masks being the newest diet aid?” Close but not what I had in mind.
She suggested we play the guilt card with T-shirts oriented with the words “Love your mother? Wear a Mask.” A little heavy handed, I told her.
“My suggestion to make masks a glamour accessory and mask wearing a fashion statement,” I said. I asked her to recall that successful ad campaign for sunglasses, “Who’s that behind those Foster Grants?” it asked and the answer was always a beautiful or famous person.
We could borrow that, I suggested, but instead we ask, “Who’s behind those N95s.” Our beautiful and famous are patriots everyone (except Brits with a long memory) loves and accepts. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin.
Ms. Demeanor chimed in with her own suggestions “or role models like Bernie Kosar and Ghoulardi.”
Who? At least it was a start and I was happy she was being agreeable, positive and enthusiastic. But, she wasn’t done.
“Love is a universally good thing that everyone agrees with, right?” she asked.
“Most definitely,” I answered.
“So how ‘bout we retrofit that famous line ‘Love is never saying you’re sorry’ except our version will be an upside no one has thought of as a positive. It’s ‘masks mean never having to wear your dentures.’ Think about it.”
I did. And then I hit the Zoom button.